Yesterday I needed to hear from the Lord about something. All day, as I worked, I was trying to listen and really seeking His will about the matter. Come evening I went for a walk and laid out on the grass begging Him to say SOMEthing. Questions were rising about whether He really wanted me in this work anyway, whether I was too attached to this place and was I wanting this next step (school) because it was exciting and new and made me feel good or was it really from HIM. . . But I wasn't getting real conviction about it, just miserable.
He kept reminding me to just relax in Him though, that one way or another His very existence was what sustained me, and even if this community and everything else I love about my life at present were stripped away, He would be more than enough. I agreed--but I still didn't want Him to do that. I didn't want everything I've finally allowed myself to love wholeheartedly to be the Wrong Thing again. "I've been so dead wrong before; when I trusted You for the money for Liberty it didn't happen, when I prayed and fasted for a family matter before India it didn't happen, and there was a certain other area since then where I was DEFINITELY wrong. . . Yes, I'm very glad You worked it out that way NOW, but see how wrong I was? So how in the world can I know I'm not going down again?"
Going Down. Thrashing, flailing, starting to sink. Scared. Why am I always so bad at this??
And then (I felt it so clearly in my spirit) He reached out His hand and grasped mine in His strong grip, pulling me up from the roiling waters, gently into the boat. I saw His face looking kindly at me. Yeah, I had done it again--looked at the waves, feared the wind and lost sight of His eyes that were holding me on the course. He did't rebuke me, but I could see instantly that I had done it to myself.
I got the strong sense, following in the vein of boats, that though He had been "asleep" till the last minute, He would soon "wake up" and take care of everything with a few words. It seemed like perhaps He "slept" so long just so that the disciples (or I) would pay attention and watch closely with growing wonder at what in the world He was about to do. . . since the storm was so hard upon them. . . So instead of freaking out, I wanted to look at His face and wait and wonder what was about to happen. He has so much peace exuding from His person--peace, confidence, perfect control and lightheartedness.
So I stood up, "out of the boat", and started walking home with peace (even though He had not answered my question directly!), and suddenly He said to me, clear as day, "You know you won't get any better at walking on water."
I laughed out loud. How perfectly true! Walking on water is impossible in the first place. You don't get better with practice--there's no way to master the technique, to practice, study or analyze the best way to do it. It only happens when your eyes are locked on His, and that's all there is to it. "You're not responsible to figure out how this all works and how to do it better," He seemed to say. "Just relax--and watch Me."
So I still don't know what He's going to do. I think He's going to do what I hope, but I also feel like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego--"God is able to deliver, He WILL deliver, but even if He doesn't"--I can still move forward without constantly doubting.
Praise the Lord for His lovingkindness is EVERlasting and it will NEVER run out on you. Just when you think you've reached the end of it and now everything will be boring and normal, He whips out another trial to show you MORE of His mercy and make you fall in love with Him all over again! I am so grateful.
